~ LE PARADIS DES yUnEr ~

My beloved ahma juz passed away last sun. It's sat nite to be specific. Juz dat da doc wrote 00:00:37 on her death cert.

I guess it's actually a relief to her since she's sufferin frm da illness. She had advance carcinoma of da colon, colon cancer in short. She lied in da hospital 4 abt a few days b4 she left us. It's really depressin to c her die b4 our eyes. All of us were there to c her off. Her eldest son n daughter came frm China together wif my whole family, inclusive of my parents, my eldest sis n her husband n 2 children, my 2nd sis n me. She began to haf breathin difficulties juz b4 she was gone coz da stuffs were jammed up inside her, causin her to haf water retention all da way up to her lungs. She was pantin away... couldn't really speak to us coz she was already semi-unconscious. Her eyes were always lookin upwards, but she knew we were there n knew wat we were tokin to her. As it was in da evenin n we duno when dis will drag till, my ma told my 2nd sis to go buy dinner 4 all of us wif her bf. N my ahma knew she was nt there wif her coz she flipped open her eyes to c who wasn't there. Her condition is really bad. Den she asked who was nt there yet. She wanted all of us to acc her till da end, nt even 1 person less. She oso wanted to go hme, kept askin whether we r hme liao nt. My ma say she was able to c those things at dat time le n her spirit is nt really wif her le. Wat's even more scary is dat she said y we dun wan to let her in when she's outside da hse. Sigh. It's really saddenin to c her lidat. She was reduced to bones coz she din dare to eat. She din wan more stuffs to be jammed inside her. Her hands were cold. She looked so pale. We took turns to hold her hands to gif her sum warmth n let her noe we were there beside her. We were scared she wld juz leave us while she was semi-unconscious, so we kept tokin to her. All she cld do was to flip her eyelids a little to let us noe she cld hear wat we were tokin abt. She was connected to da ECG (electro-cardio-gram), da machine we always c in serials when ppl r dyin in da hospital to detect their heartbeat. My ahma's pulserate is always kept at above 100, which is quite high 4 an old lady who is lyin on da bed. We were there frm noon to nite, until at ard 11.40, her pulserate began to drop rapidly. My sisters n i were all cryin. shakin her tryin to wake her up, tellin her nt to slp. But alas, she's gone. I still rem how pale she looked n how cold her hands were. Her hands were all bruised frm da needles pokin into her. She was on drip as she cldn't eat n morphine too to reduce her pain. We were all touchin her so we din really noe when exactly she passed away. Da ECG is v.sensitive. Even when da person's heart has stopped beatin, but if there's sum1 touchin her, it will detect our pulserate instead. But my eldest sis saw her shut her eyes. I guess dat was da moment she passed away. My 2nd sis is especially sensitive to such stuff n she said it was cold juz when we realised my ahma's pulserate was goin down. She din managed to survive pass midnite. My ma say if a person dies after dinner, it's nt gd 4 us coz she took everything away, nt leavin even a meal 4 us. But if it's morning, den it's gd. I tink da doc noes we wan her to pass away after midnite coz we kept tellin our ahma da time, tellin her it's nt 12 yet. It's oso a way to extend her life lah.

I acc my dad in da hospital to settle all da stuffs such as da body n death cert while da rest of them went hme to slp n to prepare my ahma's stuffs 4 da funeral. My ahma had long prepared eveything 4 her funeral, her foto, da clothes n shoe she wanna wear etc. She only told them to my 2nd sis few days b4 she was admitted. My ahma doted on my 2nd sis most. No wonder y she told her all these stuffs. I was wif my dad n i saw my ahma after da nurses cleaned her body. She was tied up in plastic. It hurts to her c being tied up. She was being taken to da mortuary after dat. My parents had told da casket ppl n arranged everything wif them, so when we collected her body, da casket ppl immediately brought her back to makeup n da wake started dat morning. My dad n i went hme to c dat all my ahma's stuffs were packed properly n put outside in da livin rm. She kept lots of coins n money here n there in her drawer. We even found our ahgong's foto. My ma din even gt to c my ahgong coz he passed away when he was quite young i tink. I only realised dat my ahma is really smart coz her clothes were all made by her. N they really looked nice. I nv gt to notice dat until now. I din gt to slp dat nite. Pics of my ahma sufferin kip flashin in my mind.

We all woke up early next morning coz my ahma's body is being put into da coffin in our presence. We saw her makeup. She doesn't look like da ahma we noe after da makeup. I muz say da makeup artist din do a gd job. She/He made my ahma look ugly. Sigh. Wat to do. My 2nd sis n i realised dat my ahma is actually v.pretty, esp when she's young coz her features r v.nice. Sharp nose, small mouth, nice face shape. Only dat she's old n wrinkles all over her face. But da foto is a v.nice pic of her.

Many things happen during da wake. Too many things n i duno how to say. Those above dat i've written r oso a summary. Da exact stuff i only noe to to say it verbally in chi. Da wake was a simple 1 for 4 days. We were all bz rollin incense paper, takin note of da joss stick n candles, servin ppl, cleanin tables entertain ppl, collect money (dat's me only coz i'm da treasurer) etc. My 2nd sis n i kept up for 2 nites. I was so worn out dat i slept 8 hrs w/o wakin up in btw on da 1st morning after my nite shift. My back ached frm all da sittin n bendin to roll da incense paper on da table. Tink da table's too high n chair too low. Alrite wat i wanted to say is dat they say moths dat fly in during a wake will be da deceased. I really believed it coz a moth flew into my hse during da nite when we were packin my ahma's stuffs after she passed away 4 awhile. Den 4 all days there were moths on da walls thruout da wake. They even saw 2 moths flyin in together n said they r ahgong n ahma. Heh. U noe during da rituals when we stand n kneel n walk ard da coffin dat time, 1 moth flew in n stopped rite in front of da buddha statue twice, stopiin at exactly da same spot. I told them it's ahma n she's chantin (nian jing) down there. I guessed it has to be true. Where gt so zhun gt moths all these days de rite? Y'day morning my ahma chu bing le. My sisters n i cried while we walked her 4 da last time. She was lyin in da coffin, on da car n my dad n his siblings pushed da car. We all can't bear to leave her. It's da 1st time i saw my dad cry. He already cried while my ahma was in da hospital n when he knew she can't make it le. I kept tinkin of da times when ahma asked us to eat, da way she smiled, da way she tok etc. Tears juz rolled down uncontrollably. Until now i still cannot believe she's gone, 4eva. I still can c her sittin at her usual place at hme, doin stuffs she usually do, sayin things she always say etc etc. We cremated her at Bright Hill Temple (Guang Ming Shan). Da scene of her coffin being pushed in to be burned is a v.nan se nan fen 1. We all dun bear to let my ahma go. I really miss my ahma. I wished dat all these din happen. But it did. I guess it takes time to gt used to life w/o her. Gdbye ahma... U will always be in our hearts.