~ LE PARADIS DES yUnEr ~

My ahma is diagnosed to haf cancer y'day. Dis news came abit too shockingly. She was complainin of havin difficulties in removin her bowels n urinatin lately. But i guess we all din really take dis into heart n treated it as a small matter. Only on Wed did my dad take her to da hospital to do a checkup. I was wonderin wat cld be wrong to her. It struck me whether it cld be cancer. But i duno y i had dat thot coz she was perfectly fine all dis well. Nutting v.unusual happened to her. So dis thot shldn't haf cme to my mind at all. Maybe it's all my sort of "6th sense" playin on me again. My mum did say her fortune teller told her our family will haf a funeral dis yr. I felt alot when she said dis. Duno y too. Now i'm scared it'll cme true.

Went to c her y'day evening wif my dad n sis. Suddenly felt so scared she'll leave us. She din noe abt da truth. N i guess she wun noe wat dat is anyway. Wanted to care so much 4 her, to tell her how much i care 4 her. Wanted to help her like my sis, tokin to her, helpin her to da toilet, wipin her body etc. I duno y i juz can't do all dis. I tink i din even utter a word to her coz i gt used to ignorin her at hme due to sum communication breakdown (she's a little deaf, n my hokkien nt v.gd). Everytime we try to tok to her in a little louder volume, she'ld tink dat we r scoldin her, nt respectin her. I tink i juz duno how to express myself n how i feel at times, esp to my family members. Sigh. It's quite a bad thing.

Went hme after vistin her n started to rush finish wateva i nid to study 4 da psychology test on fri. Was so bz dat i din haf da time to grief abit 4 my gdma coz of her illness, dat i might lose her any time. Only till da time i was bathin dat all da memories of her takin care of us came to my mind, how she cared 4 us n we treated her care as naggin n nosey. But u noe she was even carin abt whether we had our dinner n whether we were hungry when we visited her!! I mean, she's a patient herself, we r da 1s who shld shower love n concern on her, nt da opp way!! Sigh. Den i broke down n cried terribily hard last nite, causin me to haf swollen eyes da whole day today. Cldn't help but to cry n wonder y dis shld happen to her. She's so old oledi. Y can't juz let her haf peaceful days ahead? I was quite close to my ahma when i was young, even slept wif her sumtimes when i was so scared after watchin sum horror shows on tv. I missed all these days. Miss da way we can cuddle together n feel each other's warmth. She's always askin whether we r hungry n wanna eat dis eat dat. I tink we din even ask her once whether she's hungry n wat she wanna eat. Really regret da way i treated her but i duno how i can change to care 4 her. Maybe i'll try bit by bit ba. I'll definitely treasure her frm now on coz i dun wan to haf any regrets. Hopefully she'll recover vv.soon after havin operation to remove da cancer n continue to live healthily.

Any of u out there who, esp those who haf old grandparents livin wif u, we all ought to treasure our loved ones b4 it's really too late. Life is vulnerable. Dun make dis a regret of ur life. Let them noe dat u care n love them today.